Notorious quitter and insufferable windbag Sarah Palin has never contributed anything worthwhile to society other than her daughter, Bristol. That’s not because Bristol makes the world a better place, mind you, but because she gives us all a little something ridiculous to chuckle about. After being thrust into the limelight when her mother accepted the vice-presidential GOP nomination in 2008, Bristol has been the exception to every Republican rule and the personification of almost all they despise, yet they love her so and use her as a role model for young women across Republican America.
It all began when the news of Bristol’s teen pregnancy during her mother’s run with John McCain went public. The “Christian values” right, who would have destroyed any Democrat with a pregnant teenage daughter, not only embraced young Bristol’s news and her illegitimate child but gave her a position as an “abstinence counselor” to boot. Bristol was adamant at first that abstinence wouldn’t work, probably because she had discovered sex to be much more fun. That didn’t matter, though. She was now officially a role model, because while any other pregnant teenage girl in America is considered a whore looking for a government handout, Bristol just had an oopsie and asked the good Lord for forgiveness and guidance. Besides, that nice young Christian white kid was going to marry her and make a great husband and daddy.
What was his name again?
Fast forward to this year and Bristol, after preaching abstinence until marriage for nearly a decade, announced that she was pregnant yet again. Having already dumped daddy number one and spent considerable family resources to have him discredited, daddy number two would also assume the role of up and coming perfect husband and father. The right applauds the brave young Palin as she laments her choices on Facebook yet promises to move on to be a loving parent yet again, this time with plans to marry for real.
Until the day or so before the wedding, that is, when daddy number two gets dumped, leaving yet another Palin child to be raised in a single-parent home. At this point the Palin failures are palpable. Bristol has two children from two different fathers. if she were a black woman she’d be called things like “welfare queen” (yes, whether she collects or not, don’t be silly) and whore. The men she dumped would be called “baby daddies” with an insulting tone meant to mock black lingo and the kids would be considered a drag on society.
The reality is that there truly is nothing wrong with this young woman making her own choices and raising her children herself. If not for the religious hypocrisy, she might actually be worthy of our admiration and respect. That very fact is why had she been anyone else, the Right would tear her to pieces.
But this is Bristol Palin. Bristol Palin could walk into a bank and shoot everyone dead as long as she dropped a twenty in the poor box at the church across the street. She’d still get 5 million hits on her dumbass Patheos blog every time she comments on something she knows nothing about, which is every time she comments.
The latest in the saga of a teen abstinence spokesperson with no skills and two illegitimate children, who didn’t practice what she preached yet is loved by the Christian right because…who knows why…came via Instagram:
On one hand, we know that everything happens for a reason, and there are no mistakes or coincidences. On the other hand, we learn that we can never give up, knowing that with the right tools and energy, we can reverse any decree or karma. So, which is it? Let the Light decide, or never give up? The answer is: both. #dakotameyer0317
A photo posted by Dakota Meyer (@dakotameyer0317) on
“Hard work and God’s grace are the foundation of our new life together,” they added. Yes, Bristol and Dakota Meyer, baby daddy number two, are officially married and on their honeymoon as we speak. That’s the same Dakota Meyer she dumped just before their last wedding and the same Dakota Meyer whose unborn baby made Bristol apologize to all of the people she had “disappointed,” only to be applauded for having the courage to…break every law of the bible she likes to pretend she reads and obeys. He’s also the same Dakota Meyer who won a custody battle against her shortly after baby daddy number one got joint custody of out-or-wedlock kid number one.
So the question, Bristol, is why? Tell us the truth, we know you can figure out how. Are you pregnant again? Did you and Dakota have a little romp just before church so you could ask God to forgive your sins and maybe forgot a little something? Were you so embarrassed over what the news of yet another baby out-of-wedlock would do to your already laughing-stock of America family that you had to marry the guy this time around?
Spill it, Bristol. We want to know. You can’t just call everything a part of God’s plan and hope people will just shake their heads in agreement and take you….oh…wait. Yes; yes you can. Sorry, I forgot who you pander to.
Congratulations on your nuptials, Mrs. Meyer. I took 9-12 months in the office pool divorce game. I figure you’ll keep him around until you get your Dancing With the Stars body back so you can be deemed an acceptable prize to other Republican men — because that’s all they seem to care about these days.
Feature image by WAPO/Getty Images